Once again, I've come to the question "Who am I? What am I?" Every time I encounter this question when my submissive nature starts to take up too much of my life.
I believe our personality consists of many sub-personalities. No, it's not a "split personality disorder," but simply that in different contexts we behave differently - from different behavioral patterns to core values and beliefs relevant to the context. For example, I'm a son and I'm a dad are different people.
Thus, the slave is only one part of me. Throughout my long life in the Scene, I've lived through many crises, but each was somehow connected to a mix of contexts when the slave personality tried to establish itself in other contexts.
Now, as my inner slave has developed like never before, he's trying to do it again. But the rest of my parts are protesting. They are completely opposite of the submissive one - active, goal-oriented and so on. They despise it, considering it unworthy of existence.
But I am certain that no part of us emerges without reason. Each has its purpose - to fulfil one of our needs. I've tried multiple times to suppress the slave essence, to push it to the far corner of consciousness. It helps for a short while, but then it makes itself known again. And if you continue to ignore it, it leads directly to frustration and depression. I know, I've been through it.
And here I am again, facing the problem - how to combine the incompatible? My imagination and metaphors came to the rescue.
Imagine a dog. A large Rottweiler. Strong and fearsome. He's always collared, but not always on a leash. He's a leader, a fighter, and a protector. He is respected and feared.
Everything changes when She appears. With Her, he is different. She can be either gentle or cruel with him, and he accepts everything. Her power is limitless. At first, he didn't understand what was happening - after all, he could easily pull the leash out of Her hands, could bite through Her arm. But he obediently crawls to Her foot. She owns his soul and pays no attention to the fearsome power of his body. He trusts Her infinitely and never questions Her orders.
This metaphor allows me to live two lives simultaneously and keep my sanity. I can't give up either of them - they both are my essence.
